when it comes to real feelings

Ever since last week i have been in the gutter. My heart, my soul, my life just seems out of place. Everything felt wrong, felt out of place. A few months ago, i would have said "my life is great! i'm where i'm supposed to be." But now, looking back to when i said those words, i feel very uneasy. It's as if all those things i said was just to make me feel better and it's true. That time i was so sad and heart broken that even a lucky penny would probably make me happy. The truth is, i was in denial. I knew it then and i still am, in denial.

I never admitted it before because i was too proud and my pride was bigger than my real feelings. Now, looking back how i feel so ashamed of myself for jumping into something when i know i wasn't supposed to. Now, all i have is regret. I regret the moment i jumped into the next ship without even thinking whether it was a good ship or a pirate ship. I admit, the ship is luxurious, but it's not me that's in luxury. It's the people on-board. I have been having a great time but up until last week, i had a feeling. The same feeling i had before when i was on the 1st ship. The 'What Ifs' came back to question.

What If, this ship decides to go under?

What If, this ship decides to leave me on a port somewhere?

What if, this ship ends up selling me as a slave?

When the questions popped up, I knew i have the answers. I knew somewhere along the line, i won't be able to stay with this ship for long because deep inside my heart, i had to admit. The ship i'm on is definitely a different type of ship i'm from. I mean, a cruise ship and an oil ship can't be the same rite? even if you try to change it, it takes time... a cruise ship can never have enough time to change to an oil ship.

So even though it's hard to admit. I have to admit it, because when it comes to real feelings, everyone tries to keep it in. and so have i. so now is the time to let it out, before it's too late.