Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."
=======================================================
Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute......"
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.
=======================================================
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
=======================================================
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL."
Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"
=======================================================
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).
=======================================================
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
help me???"
Computer Retailer:...............
=======================================================
In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
and mother. Also can say
Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
Teacher fainted...............
=======================================================
Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"
=======================================================
Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today !?!?"
=======================================================
Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
is open!!!"
=======================================================
Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is
you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."
=======================================================
Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
decided to press the lift button "G". They found
themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"
=======================================================
One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
played English songs and asked them to request another
song. They were upset and complained to the manager
that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
calming them down, the manager found out they were
actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
"Unchained Melody".
=======================================================
Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
for 'Alamak'!"
=======================================================
Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
paid three people to test out his experiment. The
rules were:
1. Each person could only have one wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
years' supply of booze."
The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
can smoke until I song-song."
30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
lighter!)
=======================================================
Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
declared that he could swim across the Singapore
River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
and started to shout for help. Being typical
Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
pushed me into the water?")
=======================================================
Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
Mor Tan!"
=======================================================
Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
=======================================================
How do you make Ah Beng laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
=======================================================
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Ah Beng looked skyward and said, "Where, where got?"
=======================================================
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
